The back of my soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend’s red truck is filled with three jugs of gasoline. They sloshed around in the cargo bed as I drove through the snowy woods, never spilling. I hummed a tune in place of his broken stereo, and tapped my fingers on the steering wheel. A splash interrupted my aria once I braked in front of Tyler’s cabin.

You see, my boyfriend inherited a cabin in the middle of nowhere from his grandparents. It was a four hour drive away from town, and it sat on a lake across from a forest. It was their family’s holiday home, where Tyler’s core childhood memories were spent. He often went fishing with his grandpa here. His family ice skated on the lake during winter. It was the pinnacle of nostalgia for his family.

Though, this New Year’s Eve, they didn’t go to the cabin. They spent the holiday at Tyler’s parents house a few states away. Why am I not there? Well, Tyler told me I couldn’t come with. Apparently, I’m too “sensitive” for his family and his parents want him to be with a “sensible woman.” I was utterly heartbroken, but I conceded to letting him go alone. I conceded to him going alone, not going with a “sensible woman” in the form of a family friend.

That was my final straw.

I was tired of being disrespected. I was tired of not being enough for him and his family. I am tired of them getting to live in contentment after they rip my confidence and identity to shreds. My mom always taught me that actions have consequences, and I was tired of them getting off scot free.

So if consequences won’t come their way, I guess I’ll just have to create the consequences.

I hopped out of the truck with a thud from Tyler’s boots, which were heavy and two times my size. A chill went down my spine as the cold air hit my bare arms. I crossed my arms and rubbed my shoulders. Maybe if I hadn’t been so impulsive, I would have brought a coat. The rush of adrenaline caused me to hop in his truck in only a black slip dress.

As I shivered, I trotted to the back of the car. I opened the back of the cargo bed with a thunk. Panting and fumbling, I unloaded the gasoline jugs one by one. The chill of the handles scorched my hand as the tips of my fingers turned purple.

I picked up the first jug of gasoline and walked towards the wooden cabin. Walking around the perimeter of the house, I started pouring. My eyes started to water as the realization of what I was doing set in. It wasn’t too late to turn back, right? Was I going too far? Tyler and I did have some good time, right? Though the thoughts in my head were hazy, my heart had already made up its mind. I clamped my lips together in a cringe as I continued pouring. My face was warm compared to the rest of my body as tears slid down my cheeks.

When I had finished pouring the first jug, I had learned to let go of him.

I picked up the second jug of gasoline and skipped towards the wooden cabin. The gasoline sloshed as I began to sloppily pour it in zig zags on the outer walls of the cabin. My chest convulsed as I skipped around the cabin. Whether it was from laughter or from hysteria, I don’t know. My face fell into a tight, smiling cringe as I laughed, cried, and poured.

When I had finished pouring the second jug, I realized I was still resentful.

I picked up the third jug of gasoline and unscrewed the nozzle. I charged at the house. I launched the jug of gasoline at the cabin. The jug had bounced off the wall, breaking the container. Fuel and fumes sprayed all over the front of the home. The splash back of gasoline barely missed me. I have never felt more angry. More relieved. More alive.

When I had finished up the third jug, I already had the matches in my hand.

“Goodbye Tyler,” I whispered, lighting the match.

“Goodbye Tyler’s family” I sauntered over the front of the cabin with a wide grin.

“Goodbye never being good enough, ” I giggled as I threw the match at the cabin.

…

The world went bright as the boom from fireworks went off in the distance. If I hadn’t known better, I would think the world was on fire. I stood in front of the family cabin, now up in flames. For the first time this year, I felt warm as the chill from my body dissipated.
I can finally start the New Year without regrets.

New Year, New Me, you know?